Cassandra’s Diary
People say time flies, they are
right. I was a little bit surprised when I realized that it had been three
years since the last time I met her.
I close my eyes, imagining her sweet face. Long black hair, a pair of brown eyes,
perfect-shaped eyebrows, rosy cheeks, pointed nose, thin lips, a small mole
about one centimeter under the right eye, hmmmm she was perfect.
It is 1 a.m, I should have been asleep, but here I am, sitting on a white couch
in my living room. Today is supposed to be her 21st birthday. I wonder how she
would look if she were still alive. She would be more beautiful I guess.
My lips curve a sad smile as I take a thick book from my lap and hug it
tightly, hoping it was her instead of her diary, “I miss you, Cassandra.”
******
January 1, 2009
Happy new year!
I never wrote a diary before so I don’t know how and what to write. Hm..
first of all I would like to say thank you to my best friend, Vina, for giving me
the cutest diary ever. No, no, wait. It was too formal. I am not writing a
thesis, am I?
I am too excited now. There are so many words dancing in my head, they
are racing to be the first one to be eternalized on you. Where should I begin?
Well, today I hung out with the best boy in the world, Andika. We went
together for the first time in ages! Finally he had time to go out with
me, but we had a little fight because we wanted to go to different places. I
wanted to go to the beach, but he said beaches were boring and he preferred zoo.
We quarreled on our supposed to be special date! I thought hard how to win the
argument and then a genius idea came into my mind. I said that I would do his
Mathtematic homework if he agreed to go to the beach, he predictably nodded
his head! Yippy, I won!
We went to a beach not far from my house. Oh God, it was so crowded! We then
walked away from the crowd along the seashore. Feeling tired, we sat on the
sand about one meter in front of the maximum reach of the waves. He pulled me
closer to him and I put my head on his shoulder. He caressed my head, ohh I can
still feel his touch. I looked up at him and our eyes met. Those eyes, those
beautiful eyes that made me fall in love with him.
He looked at me deeply and his face got closer. I was like hypnotized. I was
paralyzed. I could do nothing but closing my eyes and enjoying the sentation
after his soft lips landed on mine. It was our first kiss!!
Andika was my crush in senior high school. I admired him secretly. I prayed day
and night that he would be mine, but he didn’t even know I existed. He didn’t,
until one day Cassandra introduced him to me. She told me Andika was her
boyfriend. My heart burned. I tried to smile and say congratulations, but I was dying inside.
Since that time I didn’t talk to her. I hated her. She got everything that I
wanted. Perfect family, beauty, popularity, and then Andika. Her life was
perfect and I really wished I had been in her shoes. How would it feel to be
her?
I shook my head, trying to kick the thought out of my mind. I then turn the
page and continue reading her diary.
January 7, 2009
What is happening to Vina? She acted so strangely today! She didn’t talk to me
at school and she didn’t pick my call. I am so confused, diary. I am feeling so
lonely. We used to talk everytime but now she is like a stranger.
She was normal this morning, she seemed happy as usual. I thought it was the
best time to tell her about Andika. Her reaction wasn’t like what I expected.
She did say congratulations, but insincerely, I could feel it. Is she angry because I didn’t tell
her sooner? Does she feel betrayed because I never told her that I already have
a boyfriend?
NO! My best friend is not like that! I shouldn’t think that way.
My heart skips a bit. I never knew I could be that cruel. She did nothing wrong.
I wanted to apologize, but my ego didn’t allow me.
January 14, 2009
One week passed and she still didn’t talk to me. I don’t know what I should do
to get my best friend back. I really miss her.
Anyway today I got a very painful headache. Mother asked me not to go to
school, but I didn’t want to miss my favorite class, English. I forced myself
to walk and when I arrived at school, that headache disappeared magically.
Maybe because I met Andika, hehe.
This is it, the beginning of the twist of her life.
February 6, 2009
I don’t know what is happening to me. That damn headache comes and goes as it
pleases. I have gone to doctor and took medicine, but it gets worse and it
comes more often. I wish Vina were here, I really need to talk to her. I need
her to comfort me.
I also wish I had been there to comfort her, if only I hadn’t been that
egoistic.
March 17, 2009
I went to doctor, again, maybe for the 4th time this month. My headache gets
worse and worse and I get tired easily. What is going on? Am I suffering from a
deadly disease like Ikeuchi Aya in Ichi Ritorru no Namida? No, no... I don’t
want to die young.
March 18, 2009
I felt much better today after sleeping for straight 8 hours. I laughed hard
when I read what I wrote yesterday. Haha, I am not gonna die young. I still
have long long way to go. I will continue studying at an elite university, I
will get married with Andika, we will have two children-a daughter and a son-,
we will watch our children grow up until they make their own family, we will
see our grandchildren, and then we can leave this world peacefully.
March 19, 2009
That headache came again this morning. It was painful as hell. It didn’t let me
go to school. I tried to call Vina, but she didn’t pick up. She is still angry
with me. I called Andika, but his cellphone was turned off.
I was in a very bad shape. Not only headache, but also influenza, fever, cough,
and other minor illnesses. My parents took me to Hospital to have a full check
up and even ELISA test! It was so ridiculous, right?!
Tears fall from my eyes. I was the worst friend ever. How could I be that
cruel? She suffered in her own! I stayed away from her when she needed me the
most.
April 7, 2009
God, tell me it isn’t true! Tell me it’s just a lame joke!
The result came. It can’t be true! There must be a mistake somewhere! I can’t
be suffering from HIV! I don’t do drugs and I never have sex!
I don’t have to be scared, right? I read on google that ELISA test is not very
accurate. It needs to be done atleast two times to get the accurate result. I
will go to hospital and do that test again, but diary, I am afraid, what if the
result is true?
April 8, 2009
My parents took me to hospital again. They talked to the doctor, “My daughter
doesn’t do drugs and she is against free sex, how could she.....?” my mother
didn’t continue her sentence, she cried and so did I.
That doctor told us that HIV can be transferred through blood transfusion. I
suddenly remembered that three years ago I got an accident and I lost a lot of
blood. Could it be? I cried harder and father tried to comfort me. He said he
would take me to the best hospital, he said I would be cured, but I knew he
lied. There is no cure for HIV/AIDS, I will surely die.
I called Andika and told him everything, but he blamed me. He said I was not a
good girl. He said I had sex with many boys so that I suffer from this bloody
disease! I tried to explain what actually happened, but he didn’t want to
listen. He broke up with me. I am so hopeless now. I lost everything,
everything.....
Vina, where are you?I need you so bad. I can’t stand the pain alone.
A flashback comes vividly into my head. I remember it was Thursday, Cassandra
had been absent for four days. I was so worried since I often saw her feeling
unwell in class. I killed the hatred within me and I walked to her house after
school.
“Vina...” I heard someone calling my name. I turned back and I saw Cassandra’s
mother. I could spot sadness on her expression. She then took me to Cassandra’s
room.
I knocked the door slowly. My head was so busy arranging words to apologize,
that I didn’t realize she had opened the door. “Vina!!!” she screamed and
hugged me tightly. I felt my shoulder wet, she cried!
“What happened to you?” I asked anxiously. She was the strongest girl that I’d
ever known. The sight of her crying just didn’t feel right.
She looked down and told me about her disease while crying. I was so shocked.
“You gotta be kidding me! I know I was so cruel not talking to you, but this is
too much Sandra! Your joke is too silly! It’s like you tell me the sun rose from
west!”
She didn’t answer, she cried even harder.
“Tell me you’re acting!” I cried out, “It isn’t funny at all!”
“No Vina, I’m not acting. I’m telling the truth. I’ll die soon.”
“Shut up! Even if you really suffer from HIV, you won’t die soon! You still
have years to live. Who knows someone will find the cure soon? You have to
survive.”
She shook her head, “No. I can’t bear the pain. Sooner or later people will
know about my disease. They will give me disgusted look. They will gossip about me and my family. I
can’t let it happen.” She held my hands and looked into my eyes, “Vina, could
you do something for me?”
“I’d do anything for you Sandra.”
“Please forgive me for not being a good friend and please take care of my
parents.”
“What are you saying?” I couldn’t hide the shock in my voice.
“Vina, I knew why you didn’t talk to me. You like him, right? I’m sorry for
not being a good friend. I was too egoistic, I’m so sorry. Maybe this is karma
for me.” She hugged me again and she wishpered in my ears, “Please take care of
my parents, treat them as your own parents.”
“What do you mean?”
She smiled, “They are getting older and I won’t be able to take care of them.”
We talked for a couple of hours. She told me that Andika had broken up with
her. I never thought Andika was that kind of a boy. He should have supported and motivated
Cassandra!
I tried my best to entertain her. I told her everything would be okay. I
then went home after promising her that I would visit her again.
I turn the page and I arrive at the last page of her diary.
April 9, 2009
Who was the author of Cinderella? Who was the author of sleeping beauty? I want
to complain! True love does not exist! There is no live happily ever after!
My tears fall unavoidably. I remember it was about 9 p.m when Cassandra’s
mother called me and she told me that Cassandra, my best friend, ended her life
by drinking poison. I never thought that it would be the last time we met. I
regretted letting her suffer alone. If only I could turn back the time. I miss
you a lot Cassandra, you were the best friend in my life and I wish you were
still here, with me, so we could take care of your parents together.
I close her diary then I look at an old clock hanging on the wall, “Four
o’clock.” It’s time to sleep. I go to my bedroom, I open a chest and put
Cassandra’s diary there, “See you next year.”
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