GOOD BYE MY CHILD

I put the baby back onto the black sand. I then stood and walked away without looking back. Honey, your suffering is over, right? This is indeed the best way for you. Rather than letting you live in this cruel hellish world, I'd better return you to heaven. Goodbye my child, mother loves you ...

 

Image courtesy of Gubgib at Freedigitalphotos

******

I caressed my big round stomach. There was a new life in it. The life I didn’t want, the life my father didn’t want, the life that should never have existed, not here, not in my filthy stomach.

Maybe I had to kill this baby. Yes, I had to kill you. I already had a lot of sins, I didn’t need to add another by giving birth to you. I didn't want to lie to you when you asked, "Mother, why does everyone have a father? Where is my father? " I didn't know who your father was. I’d done it with too many men, I didn’t know whose sperm fertilized my ovum, "Mother, today I was bullied again at school. Everyone laughed at me for not having a father. They also said that you are a prostitute. What is a prostitute, Mother?

How would I answer the questions coming out of your tiny mouth? Even just imagining it already made my head want to explode! I could not. I couldn’t let you suffer, I’d bear all this alone.

I got up from my seat and glanced at the old clock on my wall, it was two in the morning. This small city of Singaraja had been long asleep.

A few minutes later I was already outside. I walked alone in the tense darkness of the night. The night wind that hit my skin made me shiver, it was bloody cold. I hugged my stomach while stroking it occasionally, "Be patient, Dear. Soon, your pain will end. "

I continued walking, trying to convince myself that this was indeed the best path I could take. I had to be strong. I couldn’t back down.

"What did you say? You’re pregnant?" my father's reaction when he found out his only daughter was pregnant was not much different from what I had predicted. His face and eyes turned red. He was furious. He walked over to me and pulled a handful of my hair hard, "Who is that guy? Who is that bastard?"

I cringed in pain but I didn't say anything. If I still had a mother, maybe this wouldn’t have happened. Mother would defend me, but Mother had long left. Not dead, my parents divorced when I was a baby.

"Answer!" father shouted right in my ear.

I kept silent. Not only because I didn't know the answer, but also because I didn’t want to answer.

"Are you deaf? If you can open your legs, you can also open your mouth, right? "

My heart was broken into pieces when I heard my father's sentence. It hurt so much. As soon as father let go of my hair, I immediately fell down on the floor. I held my stomach which was now a shelter of life for someone, an innocent child.

"Abort the baby."

I looked up at my father's red face. He was serious! He wanted me to kill my baby, "I don't want to." I said while looking out the window. It's raining pretty hard out there.

"What?" father pulled my hair again so that my face was raised and I was forced to make eye contact with him, "You don't want to? So what will you do? You’ll marry that guy? Where? Where is that bastard now? "

"No! I will take care of the baby myself. "

             

A slap landed hard on my left cheek, "Stop playing around! What can you do, huh? You can't even take care of yourself, how will you take care of it? Do what I say; abort the baby! "

"I don’t want to!" I shouted, "I don't want to obey your words! I'm sick of living with you! I will go!" I stood up and ran quickly to my room. I took a bag and put in some clothes and things I might need. When passing through the living room, I saw my father sitting on the couch, covering his face. I ignored it and continued walking until I reached the door and opened it.

"Take a single step outside and never think of coming back!"

I turned to my father and smiled sarcastically, "I'd rather die than having to go back here." I went out and slammed the door loudly.

The rain was still falling heavily, but that did not prevent me from leaving. I started my scooter and rode it fast in the rain. I didn’t know where to go. I didn't have a relative that I could go to, I had no idea where my mother was, I didn’t have any friends either.

The night was getting colder and the wind blew more frequently. I tightened my jacket while continuing to walk while thinking of the past. The money from my 'hard work' turned out to be quite a lot, enough to rent a tiny house located quite far from my father's. I used the rest of the money to buy daily needs.

At first, I was so adamant about keeping my baby, but as time went on and I was running low on money, I slowly changed my mind. Moreover, the more I thought about the fate of my child later, the more I felt guilty.

My eyes ached, warm liquid welled and then dripped slowly on my cheek. I held my big stomach and walked faster. I began to hear the faint sound of the waves. I walked even faster, half running. I was afraid that my mind would change again if I didn’t get there soon enough. I had to do it quickly. Everything will end now, Honey.

Indah beach was indeed a beautiful place. Unfortunately, its beauty will soon be stained with my dirty blood. I lay my body on the cold moist sand. I took a pill from my jacket pocket and swallowed it immediately. A few moments later I began to feel intense heat and pain in my stomach. It felt as if my intestines had been being torn apart. My eyes were closed and I was half conscious.

"Mother ... Mother ... what are you doing? I’m feeling so hot, Mother. "

Hold on, everything will be over soon.

"Mother ... my skin is burning. I can't stand it, Mother ... I'm feeling sick ... Mother ... Mother .."

I screamed in pain as soon as something came out of my body. I heard a weak cry of a baby, a beautiful baby boy. I gathered up all of my remaining energy and took the tiny baby that I had just forcefully brought to this world. I held him with my bloody hands and then after taking a deep long breath, I choked his neck. More tears dripping from my eyes. I'd just become a mother, and now I turned into a murderer ....

I put the baby back onto the black sand. I then stood and walked away without looking back. Honey, your suffering is over right? This is indeed the best way for you. Rather than letting you live in this cruel hellish world, I'd better return you to heaven. Goodbye my child, mother loves you ...

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