Even If It Kills Me

What is worse than being rejected by someone you love?

Loving someone deeply, but not having enough courage to tell that person.

What is worse than that?

Loving someone deeply, not having enough courage to tell that person, and knowing he will never be yours.

Image courtesy of Wallpapercave

“Dika and Diana; together forever.” I read a sentence beautifully written on the backside of a photograph. A photo of a boy and a girl, of you and me, of us. You were wearing your favorite T-shirt and a pair of tight jeans. I was wearing a pink gown and skin-colored stockings. We looked so happy that time, trying to pose as cute as possible. I want to go back to that day. The day when I could kiss and hug you as I pleased. The day when I didn’t feel embarrassed to sit on your lap. The day when I didn’t know that destiny would bring me this misery.

I flip the photograph and I caress your face. You were handsome –you still are-, but that’s not the reason why I fall in love with you. In fact, I am not sure if I have any reason. I just feel comfortable being with you. I feel safe whenever you are by my side.

I close my eyes and suddenly I’m transported to my past.

One chilly evening, a dirty little girl was sitting on a pavement. She held a teddy bear which was as dirty as her. She cried, but no tears came out from her eyes. She couldn’t shed tears anymore after spending hours crying like a little child; hmm... she was a little child. She looked hungry, and cold, and lonely. The cruelty of life prevented her from enjoying her childhood. She should’ve been a cheerful girl like other girls her age. She should’ve been playing Barbie with her peers or watching cartoon with her siblings, not sitting on pavement on her own.

That little girl didn’t deserve it. I would’ve done anything to make her feel better, if only I’d been there. Wait, I was there. I was that girl.

My mother and I were beggars. I didn’t know who my father was and I gave up asking my mother about it because she would keep her mouth shut. I was still happy though, I had my mother, and that was more than enough. I was too young to understand the life that we lived. I never paid much attention on how people looked at us. I never cared about rich people that covered their noses whenever we walked towards them. All that I knew was; as long as we could eat, we had nothing to worry about.

I loved my mother a lot. She never failed to show me her unconditional love. She gave a dingy teddy bear that she took from a rubbish bin as my 6th birthday gift. She made sure I ate enough food even if that meant she had to go sleeping with an empty stomach. When cold nights came, she would hug me tightly while singing lullabies until I fell asleep. We were poor, very poor, but we were happy because we loved each other. She was the only thing that I had. The little me never thought that God could be so cruel taking her from my side.

I can clearly remember what happened that afternoon. My mother and I were starving because we hadn’t eaten anything for a day. No one was kind enough to dig into their pockets and give us a little amount of money. We staggered, moving from one to another rubbish bin, trying to find something that could help us survive.

“Stay here, I’ll be back soon.” My mother asked me to sit under a big tree.

“Where are you going? Don’t leave me, Mom.” I held her right wrist.

“I’ll buy some food.”

“But we have no money.”

She smiled, “I still have some money.”

“You lie!” I knew very well that we ran out of money.

“I am not lying, dear. Wait here.” She pulled her hand and ran swiftly. I didn’t have enough energy to run after her, so I just sat there, waiting for her to come back.

I waited for about 10 minutes, but it felt like years. Finally my mother came. She ran twice faster than before. She brought a plastic bag. I wondered if there was some food in it.

“Diana.... Run......” she yelled at me.

I stood up, “What?” I asked her.

“That’s the thief!” a woman shouted loudly, she pointed at my mother. I just realized that there were a bunch of people running after her.

“Run....” my mother yelled again.

I had no idea what was going on. I was stuck. I couldn’t move my legs. I couldn’t open my mouth. I couldn’t blink my eyes. I saw those men hit my mother. I was there, the little me was there to witness how my mother was brutally and mercilessly hit by those bad men.

“STOP!!!” I screamed at the top of my voice, but no one heard me. They hit and kicked my mother as if she weren’t a human being just like them, “STOP!!!” I screamed again and I ran to my mother who was bleeding.

“This is for you dear, eat this.” She handed me the plastic bag, she could hardly breathe.

I cried hard while shaking my head, “Are you alright, Mom? Why did these men hit you? What did you do?”

My mother didn’t answer, she closed her eyes.

“Mom! Wake up! Don’t sleep!” I shook her body, but she didn’t move. She died.

“Is she your mother?” one of those beasts asked me.

I didn’t answer. I cried harder and I hugged my mother, “Wake up, Mom! Don’t leave me

alone!”

The people around me felt so sorry, they apologized, but their apology couldn’t bring my mother back to life. She had passed away. She was gone. Forever.

Those bad men tried to take me with them, but I escaped, how could I be with my mother’s murderers?

I lost everything that day. I blamed those heartless people. I blamed God. I blamed myself. “God, do you really exist? Don’t you think I’m too young to live alone in your cruel world? Why don’t you take me also?”

I was sitting on the pavement, hugging my teddy bear tightly, when suddenly a car stopped in front of me. An old man got out from that car and asked me, “What are you doing here, little girl? Where are your parents?”

I shook my head, not knowing what to say.

“Are you alone?” he asked again.

I nodded.

“I don’t have any daughter. Do you want to come to my house and live with me?”

I nodded again.

He took me to his house and he treated me as his own child. He and his wife gave me love almost as much as my mother did. I was so happy and you, yes you, completed my happiness. You lightened up my dark world. You brought happiness to my sorrowful life. I know I was too young to fall in love, but I couldn’t resist it. I really wish you knew what I’m feeling.

“Diana!!!” someone pats my shoulder.

“Dika!” it’s you, the one whom I love.

I cover our photograph with my right hand and try to act normal, “What are you doing?”

“Mom and Dad are waiting downstairs. Let’s have dinner. Hey, what are you hiding?”

“Nothing.” Now I cover the photograph with both of my hands.

“Show me.” You pull my hands.

“No!” I shout, but it’s too late. You take it successfully.

“Haha this old photo. It was on your 8th birthday, right? Look at how chubby your cheeks were! I remember the first time you came here, you were so skinny.”

The first time I came here, I repeat your sentence. Tears fall from both of my eyes unavoidably.

You look guilty, “Sorry. I didn’t mean to remind you of your sadness.” You hug me. You caress my back lovingly. Oh.... Dika, I can’t hold it anymore!

I loosen your hug and I look deeply into your eyes, “Dika, I love you.”

You smile, “I love you too, my little sister.” You kiss my cheek, “Now let’s have dinner. Our parents are waiting.”

I really want to shout. I want to tell you that I love you as a girl loves a boy, not as a sister loves her brother. I really want to tell you, but something stops me. The fact, the fact that you are my brother and you will always be. I mustn’t be greedy. Having you and our parents is more than enough to make me happy. I will bury this love deep in my heart. I will keep it as a secret even it kills me.