EXILE

I can see you standing, honey

With his arms around your body

Laughing but the joke’s not funny at all

And It took you five whole minutes

To pack us up and leave me with it

Holding all this love out here in the hall

I think I’ve seen this film before

And I didn’t like the ending

You’re not my homeland anymore

So what am I defending now?

You were my town, now I’m in exile seeing you out

I think I’ve seen this film before

image courtesy of Taylor Swift

“I thought it’s okay, I was wrong. Sorry. I hope you’re happy.” she noticed a bouquet of red roses on the table, gave a sad smile, and then walked away with that guy.

I sat back to my seat, that was too much for my mind to process. I felt the left side of my chest hurt. It hurt, a lot. I took something out of my pant pocket, a ring, a ring that I wanted to put on her finger after she said yes. Damn it!

The ring rolled across the floor and disappeared behind a table. It disappeared. Anika disappeared. My dreams disappeared.

I sat still, trying to process all that had just happened. Did she really just break up with me?

A big wave of memories flooded my head. Million images attacked my brain all at once. Her yellow dupatta that first day I saw her. Her small face buried in her favorite red roses. The warm good bye hug she gave when we parted ways at the airport. I miss you’s and I can’t wait to see you’s. Our stupid arguments. All the make-up kisses on our phone screens. “This is Rohit. We’ll get engaged soon.” It took all of me not to burst out to the door.

I can see you staring, honey

Like he’s just your understudy

Like you’d get your knuckles bloody, for me

Second, third, and hundredth chances

Balancing on breaking branches

Those eyes add insult to injury

I think I’ve seen this film before

And I didn’t like the ending

I’m not your problem anymore

So who am I offending now?

You were my crown, now I’m in exile seeing you out

I think I’ve seen this film before

So I’m leaving out the side door

I’d be lying if I said it didn’t hurt. It hurt. A lot. I had prepared myself for this. I had anticipated the pain. But I didn’t expect it would be this painful.

I saw him sitting there, at our favorite little spot. He looked up. Our eyes met. Be strong, Anika.

“Hey..” he said, standing up.

I smiled, “Hi.”

“I wanna tell you something.” we said the same thing at the same time. We were somehow still synched after all that had happened.

“You first.” we spoke at the same time again.

“Okay, I’ll say it first.” I said quickly. The sooner the better, “I don’t know how to say this, but, hmm, I have a new boyfriend.” I said the sentence that I’d rehearsed a thousand times before. I looked back, at a guy standing behind me, “This is Rohit. We’ll get engaged soon.”

He looked dumbfounded.

“I’m so sorry.” I said, trying not to look sorry at all.  Be strong, Anika.

“This is a joke, right?” he finally said something.

I shook my head, “Sorry Vishnu, I can’t do this any longer. I can’t stand long distance relationship. I hate being insecure all the time.”

“But you said it’s ok? You said it’s ok if you meet me just for 6 months a year?”

“I thought it’s okay, I was wrong. Sorry. I hope you’re happy.” I noticed a bouquet of red roses on the table, my favorite. I gave him a smile, one last smile.  And before tears could find their way out my heart, I walked away.

Don’t look back. Don’t look back. Don’t you dare look back. My stupid head did. I saw him sitting back on his seat, eyes glued on me. It killed me to see those eyes looking like that.

This is not your fault, Anika. I reminded myself. I had forgiven him so many times. I had cried myself to sleep so many times. I had given him so many chances. Too many chances.

I felt an arm wrap my waist, “Are you okay?”

“No.” a soft whisper left my mouth.

So step right out

There’s no amount of crying I can do for you

All this time, we always walked a very thin line

You didn’t even hear me out

You never gave a warning sign

All this time

I never learned to read your mind

I couldn’t turn things around

You never gave a warning sign

Ya, she just broke up with me. What did I do wrong? What went wrong? What the hell was wrong?

She walked away, not even waiting for another word from me. How could she easily banish me from her story? How I wish to have read her mind, how I wish to have turned things around.

If only she gave me a damn warning sign!

I saw her looking back. She would go back and said everything was just a joke, right? Wrong! She stepped right out the side door. His left arm tight around her waist. I was ready to get my knuckles bloody for her.

“This is Rohit. We’ll get engaged soon.”

But What’s the use now? I had lost the war I didn’t even know existed.

I gave so many signs

So many signs

So many signs

You didn’t even see the signs

This was all his fault, right? He never read my mind like I had thought he would.

It had been a perfect story, or so I thought. I had been happy. He has made me happy. But something certainly had gone wrong. He had gone away, and not just physically. He had gone farther and farther away, beyond my reach. I had tried my best to keep holding on to him. I had tried my best not to break the thin line we had been crawling on. For God sake, I gave him so many chances, right? So many warning signs.

Maybe, this was partly my fault. No, this was mostly my fault. I had said I would wait, but I didn’t.

I walked out the coffee shop, an arm tight around my waist.

He didn’t see the signs.

I think I’ve seen this film before

And I didn’t like the ending

You’re not my homeland anymore

So what am I defending now?

You were my town

Now I’m in exile seeing you out

I think I’ve seen this film before*

*Exile - Taylor Swift (feat. Bon Iver)