Tirta (English Version)

Time, my dearest friend, how are you? It’s been a while-a long long while- since the last time I talked to you. I am sorry for being so silent. I am sorry for not enjoying you.

Time, can  we go back to the past? Not to change anything. I just want to come back, to touch his face once again, to feel the love once again, before you stop, before I leave this world.

image courtesy of jannatul-sarna at touchtalent

It was Monday, the first day of college after semester holiday. Everyone seemed so busy talking about their holiday. Some girls at the corner of my classroom talked about  their bodies that became fatter, “I regret not going to gym this holiday.” I heard one of them say, she was Sari, a skinny girl that always thought she was fat.

“Me too. Look at my belly! So fat!” another girl replied while tapping her stomach. I laughed in silence, they were funny. Thin girls that would do anything to become thinner.

I observed my classroom, I observed the faces that I hadn’t seen in about two months, they still looked the same, nothing changed. I looked sadly at an empty seat beside me. It was Putri’s, my best friend. She used to sit beside me before she decided to move from this not-so-good university. She was smart and rich enough to continue her study abroad. I envied her, a lot. I wish I had been her so I wouldn’t have had to sit here, among the people wearing masks to hide their ugly faces.

“Guys....” someone rushed into the classroom. Everyone stopped their activities and looked at him curiously. He was Didi, the head of my class, “We have a new student,” he paused to catch a breath, “from Jakarta!” he emphasized the word Jakarta. Jakarta, the land of modernization, the land of civilization!

The girls imediately took their comb and mirror, some even took lip gloss and powder. Girls, the most complicated creature that God had created.

A few moment later, someone entered my classroom. Whoa! What a surprise! The Jakarta boy was not like what everyone had expected. He was not a cool boy with piercings or tattoos. It was like the modernization of the capital of Indonesia didn’t touch him.

“Is he really from Jakarta?” a girl sitting behind me whispered to the girl sitting next to her.

I looked at him, he walked towards me, what was he doing? He sat. Oh, silly me. Putri’s ex seat is the only empty seat here. I pretended to be busy with my book. I tried to avoid a boring conversation with this alien. Jakarta? Which part of Jakarta? Huh, he looked more like a boy from Mars. Strange. Mysterious. Silent.

No one talked to him that day. No one talked to him the next day. He didn’t say anything during class except “here” when the lecturers called his name. At first I didn’t care about him, but then I felt something is wrong with that boy. He was hiding something behind his thick glasses. I wish to peek a little into his eyes. I wanted to know his secret.

 “Hi.” I talked to him for the first time in the second week of college. If I am not mistaken, it was on Thursday.

He looked at me, but just for a second. He was busy with his book again. What the hell! He ignored me! I bowed, trying to hide my boiled-shrimp face. It was the most embarrassing thing that ever happened in my life.

 “Hi.” I heard a voice, it was his voice.

I looked at him, a little bit shocked. Oh God, he needed more than one minute just to say ‘hi’!

 “What is your name?” what a silly question! We had been in same class for more than a week and I asked him his name?!

“Tirta.” He answered shortly. He didn’t give an indication that showed his interest in talking to me.

“Nice name.” I murmured! Jeez! I couldn’t believe I said that!

 “Thanks.”

What an awkward conversation!

Oh no, time.. I am not done yet. You can skip a few days, the days when I tried to attract that alien, but please take me back to the past, to the time when his arms wrapped my body, when his lips kissed my face.

 “Where do you live?” I asked while playing with my own hair. He was sitting on green grass at the city park and I lay on his lap.

 “Why do you ask?”

 “I just want to know.”

 “I will tell you when the time is right.” Always, the same answer for different questions. I had no idea who he was, his parents, his address, or his siblings-if he had any-. He was so mysterious, but yet, I fell for him. I asked him to be my boyfriend. I didn’t know why. I just wanted to protect him, from what?

 “Do you love me?” I asked another question.

 “Is it important?”

“Of course!” I almost screamed.  I got up and sat across from him, “Look at me Tirta, please tell me that you love me. I just want to make sure that this is not a one-sided love.” I became emotional and sensitive after I met Tirta.

He looked at me. I took off his glasses.

 “I feel comfortable with you.”

 “That’s it? You don’t love me?”

“Please understand.”

“How could you expect me to understand something that you never explain? I love you Tirta! I really do.”

           

He smiled, but his eyes didn’t show happiness. I couldn’t read his expression. I was confused, stupid, numb, “What am I for you?”

           

Silence for a moment. He took a long breath before he spoke, “You are like a red rose, very beautiful.”

           

“It doesn’t answer my question.” I made a face.

           

“If I touch you, I will be hurt by your thorns. Then I will pick you. It will destroy you. You should stay away from me.”

           

“What are you saying? I don’t understand Tirta! Don’t make me confused!”

           

He hugged me, “Nothing. Don’t leave me. I need you to be here with me.”

           

Oh time.... It was the strangest relationship that I’d ever had, but it was also the most unforgettable one. I miss him a lot. Time, will you ever bring him back to me?

           

Tirta.... He was my mysterious boy, my love, my reason to live. He was everything that I needed. I felt so happy whenever he was by my side. I never got bored being with him, although in silence as he didn’t talk much. I knew he hid something from me, but he promised he would tell me. When the time is right, as he always said.

           

December 12, 2011, it was my 22nd birthday. Tirta didn’t make a surprise party for me. He didn’t give a present. He didn’t even know it was my birthday! I asked him to come to my lodging house. I had bought a small cake at a bakery near my campus. I wanted to celebrate that special day with my special person.

There was a knock on my door at 8 o’clock, it was him. I welcomed him with a hug and a kiss on his left cheek, “You look stunning.” He said. It was once in a blue moon he complimented me.

“You too.” I said while smiling.

He was wearing blue jeans and a black T-shirt inside his leather jacket. He took off his jacket and sat on the bed, “What is this cake for?” he asked.

“Today is my birthday.”

“Why didn’t you tell me? Wait here, I will be back soon.” He ran out. I wanted to stop him, but he disappeared so fast.

A few minutes later he came back with a red rose in his hand, “Happy birthday.” He said, handing the rose to me.

“Beautiful.” I took the rose from him.

“Like you.” He took me to the warmest place in the world, his arms. He hugged me so thight.

I loosened his hug. My lips tried to find his. We kissed. Our tounges played. Our hands wandered. Our breaths were heavy, full of love, lust, desire, “I love you Tirta.” I whispered in his ear. I undone a few buttons of my shirt. I wanted him. I wanted him so bad.

“No.” Tirta suddenly stopped kissing me, “I can’t do this!” he went out, running, leaving me in confusion.

It was raining, dizzle in December. My grey December. I was like a slut who was rejected by a prince. I cried. I wanted kill myself.

Time, can you believe it? Oh yeah, of course. You were there to witness how broken I was. He left me just like that, on my birthday, my worst birthday.

The next morning I went early to campus. I sat on my seat and stared at Tirta’s. I didn’t know what to do. Did I have to act like the previous night had just been a dream? But it was real! He rejected me!

One by one my friend entered the classroom, but I didn’t see Tirta. I felt so anxious.

“Nay...” I heard someone call my name.

“Didi?”

“There’s a letter for you, from Tirta.”

I hurriedly took the letter from Didi’s hand and went to the restroom to read it.

“Naya, this is the time you’ve been waiting for, the right time. Like what I’ve told you before, you’re just like a rose that I could ruin. You should’ve stayed away from me, Nay. I should’ve kept a distance from you too, but I couldn’t. I fell in love with you. But no matter how big my love is, it can never make me the right guy for you.

I was a drug addict, a free sex addict.”

I gasped. He was just kidding, right?

“I know it’s hard to believe, but it’s true. I have HIV, that’s why I decided to run away from Jakarta. I changed my lifestyle, and the way I look. I wanted to leave those dark days and start a new life, but this virus will never go. What can I do, Nay?”

I should’ve told you from the start, but I was afraid to lose you. And I don’t regret spending my time with you, I just wish our time together could last longer. Take care, Naya, I love you.”

I had no idea what to do, I could only cry without sound.

Time, you know, I never met him again after that night. I tried to look for him everywhere, but I couldn’t find him. No one knew where he lived. No one knew who he really was. I miss him, time. Can I ask a little favor? Bring him back to me. I don’t care about his disease. I just want to protect him, to take care of him, to love him wholeheartedly. I love him time, I really do.