SACRIFICE

 

There were things more important than her happiness, thought Indah. How could she laugh over the tears of the one she loves the most? That person's smile was the most important thing in her life. She’d do everything to make that person happy, including sacrificing her own happiness.

image courtesy of jannatul-sarna at touchtalent

SACRIFICE

Indah stayed still, looking down at her toes peeping out from her peep toe wedges. Her loose hair covered half of her face. Her body trembled slightly holding back tears. I have to stay strong, she reminded herself. She couldn’t cry; tears would only make things worse.

Raka looked at the woman in front of him with mixed feelings. It never crossed his mind that this woman who had stayed by his side through ups and downs for the last four years would have the heart to break their love, out of the blue, without any warnings, “You aren’t serious, are you?” the hoarse words slowly left his mouth.

Indah kept silent. Saying break up once was more than enough to suffocate her, she couldn’t bear to do it again.

“Answer, Ndah!” Raka held both of her shoulders, forcing her to face him, “You’re just kidding, right?”

With a little remaining strengths, Indah brushed off Raka’s hands, “I’m serious. Sorry. You’ll surely find someone better than me.” Indah walked fast, went away from the man she’d loved wholeheartedly, the man she had imagined day and night would be her life companion till death did them apart.

No one knew how much Raka wanted to chase after Indah, but somehow he couldn’t move his legs. He fell on his knees at that park, the park where they used to spend their Saturday nights together. Raka always thought that men weren’t supposed to cry, but that time he couldn’t hold back his tears. He felt crushed, his heart was crushed…

After a few minutes being in such a state, his common sense regained control over his body. He stood up and wiped the tears on his cheeks. He staggered toward the parking lot. He rode his motorbike; trying to concentrate on the bustling streets of Denpasar, but he couldn’t get Indah’s face out of his mind.

 

 

Never before had Raka slept in that long. His alarm rang a few times, but he was deep in his sleep. Maybe he was exhausted from struggling to keep his eyes closed all night. Every nook and corner of his room reminded him of Indah. Even when he covered his face with a blanket, Indah’s sweet face still haunted him. Raka felt restless, he tossed and turned, trying his best to ward off all thought of Indah. After many hours of battling with his own thoughts, Raka finally fell asleep, very soundly, and it was the knock on his door that woke him up.

The knock, or more accurately the bang, on his door forced Raka to open his tired eyes. Raka woke up with a heavy head. He yawned several times, repeatedly blinked his eyes, still in the state of transition from subconscious to realm. He gasped instantly as he realized what had happened the night before wasn’t a dream. Indah, that woman had left him.

“Raka…” the banging was heard again, accompanied by a voice from the person standing outside the door.

Raka yawned again and then walked towards the door.

The brown door opened and Andre’s bald head popped out. Without warning, Andre burst in, “Stay calm, ok! Don’t freak out! You have to be strong! Take a breath! Calm down! You have to stay calm! No matter what, don’t freak out!”

“You take a breath, Ndre,” Raka smiled a little, “what’s up?”

Andre took a deep breath, “Wait, I’ll calm down first.” he said.

Raka waited patiently for Andre, the gossip guy at the boarding house, to spill his newest gossip.

“Ok, I’m ready.” Andre finally said, “I… actually, I don’t have the heart to tell you this, but you have to know. So, this morning I was going to Anik’s, on the way there, I saw Indah.”

Raka’s expression changed at the mention of the name of his lover, hmmm, his ex-lover.

“Don’t freak out ok, when I wanted to greet her, I saw she’s with a guy. I’ve never seen him before, but I can tell they aren’t just friends. Raka, what happened to you and Indah?”

“We broke up.”

“What?” Andre shouted, wide-eyed, “You’re kidding, right?”

Raka shook his head weakly, “We really did.”

“No fucking way! It must be because of that guy! Is she stupid or what? How could she leave you for him? Not that I saw anything wrong with him, but still!! I never thought Indah was that kind of a girl.”

Even though Indah had hurt and betrayed him, Raka couldn’t stand to hear anyone saying bad things about the woman he still loved so much, “I wanna be alone, Ndre.” he said.

“No! I can’t leave you alone like this. I don’t want you to do stupid things.”

Raka forced a smile, “I just need time to calm down. I’ll be fine.” Raka pushed Andre out of his room and locked the door once Andre was outside. His chest felt even tighter, so it was another guy. Damn! Raka punched the wall of his room.

***

It'd been several days Raka locked himself in the room, he only came out to bathe and eat, rarely and irregularly. His friends tried to cheer him up, asked him to go out just to get some fresh air, but Raka always refused. He chose to spend his time in his small room, contemplating, trying to find what mistakes he had done so that Indah betrayed him, “Is it because I was poor?” he asked Indah's photo, the only photo he hadn't torn apart, “Is it because I'm just a lowly worker in a small company?”

Raka took the vodka bottle which was located on the floor not far from where he sat. It was half full. He drank the highly alcoholic drink as if it had been water. After it was empty, he threw the bottle to a corner of the room, where several other empty bottles had been lying. In all his life, Raka had never drunk alcohol. Let alone vodka, he never even touched arak. But now, when his heart was broken into small pieces, he felt that only the bitterness of the alcohol could help him forget the sweet face of Indah.

“Answer, Ndah! Don't just smile! Why did you leave me?” Raka shouted at the photo in his plam, “Why did you come to my life, giving me hopes for years if in the end you’d go with another man?” Finally Raka tore the last photo of Indah, “I’ll forget you, Ndah.”

 

After days of being cajoled, persuaded, begged, and even half forced, Raka finally went back to work. But as predicted, he was fired since he was absent for almost two weeks for no apparent reasons. Raka seemed not to care. He packed his things from his locker. When his eyes spotted a photo of himself and Indah, he grimaced, “Fuck it!” he threw the photo in the trash can. And without giving his heart a chance to grieve, Raka walked out of the office.

 

 “I’ll help you find another job.” Gede, another boarding house mate, cheered him up.

“Thanks, bro.” Raka replied briefly.

“Alright, don’t be sad. There are millions of fish in the sea, millions of stars in the sky. What’s the use of having a handsome face if being left by one girl makes you upset at a galactic level?” joked the man with bushy mustache.

Raka wanted to protest, saying Indah wasn’t just an ordinary girl, she was different, special, but Raka swallowed his protest and smiled instead.

“You’d better go to the barber now, you look homeless. How will you get a new girl with this look?” Andre teased him too.

Raka followed his friends’ advice. He realized it was time to move on. There was no way he would allow himself to drift too long in a sea of sorrow. Raka spent half an hour in the bathroom, cleaned himself and cooled his head in the shower. He then clean shaved his face. Next, he went to a barber to get a haircut.

The next day, Raka and the others went to the biggest temple on the island for a full moon prayer. Raka realized he had been too far from God the last few days; maybe if he went praying, he would find peace.

Around half past one in the afternoon, they left in a rental car. The temple they were going to was located quite far, about 100 km from their boarding house. Along the way, they played songs from their favorite bands. Gede and Andre made sure there wasn’t any sad song in the playlist. For a moment, Raka forgot about his sadness.

Arriving at the temple, they climbed quite a number of stairs. They splashed holy water on their heads and upper bodies in front of the gate, and then went inside. They prayed fervently, especially Raka who was lost in his prayer. It was the first time he felt peace after Indah left him. 

As soon as they finished receiving tirta and bija , they went back so they didn't get home late. They went back down the stairs they climbed earlier. When they were almost at the bottom, Raka stopped his steps, his gaze fixed on a young couple who were climbing the stairs, about three meters in front of him. He stared at them without blinking, precisely at the girl who was wearing a white long- sleeved kebaya and black-gold kamen. Her face, which was naturally beautiful, was layered with thin make-up, Raka recognized the lipstick that adorned her beautiful lips, he even still remembered the taste of the lipstick, ah... Raka shook her head, driving the thought away.

The girl stopped her steps as well, noticing the man looking at her with a look that is difficult to describe in words.

“What’s wrong?” the man next to her asked.

Indah was silent, her eyes fixed on Raka.

Realizing what had happened, Gede tried to pull Raka, but Raka brushed his hand away, “You guys go ahead. I want to end everything here.” he said.

“Are you sure?” Gede whispered.

Raka nodded firmly. He walked towards Indah, “Congratulations.” he said, looking straight at the beautiful black eyes.

“Is he…?” the guy asked but was cut mid-sentence by Raka.

“I'm Indah’s ex. I hope you can take care of her and love her with all your heart. Don't you dare hurt her!” Raka turned back to Indah, “I wish you nothing but the best.” Raka walked away without waiting for the reaction of the couple. He walked with ease. Gone was the burden he had been carrying on his shoulders. He felt that the man who was with Indah was a good man who would be able to make her happy.

Indah was unable to say anything after her brief encounter with Raka. The man standing beside her, Agus, clasped her hands tightly, “I'm sorry.” he said. Indah didn’t answer, and immediately her cellphone rang. Reluctantly, she took it from the bag.

"Om Swastyastu." she answered the phone.

Who knew what the person at the other end of the line told Indah, she almost collapsed. Luckily, Agus caught her body in time. Indah's eyes were filled with tears.

They cancelled the plan of praying and then returned to the parking lot. Agus was driving his car at full speed. Indah closed her eyes, not because she was afraid of the speed, but there was something else that she was more afraid of.

An hour and a half later, they arrived at their destination. Despite feeling weak, Indah tried to walk as fast as possible, dragging her legs. Agus followed her, feeling equally anxious. They arrived in front of a room. After calming down for a moment, Agus opened the door to the room, they went inside. Indah rushed out and held the hand of a middle-aged woman who was lying weakly on a bed, “Mother...” she said softly, “this is Indah...”

The woman opened her eyes slowly, "Indah ... you are here? Weren’t you going to temple?”

“How are you feeling, Mother?” Indah asked without answering her mother’s question.

The woman smiled weakly and took a look at Agus. She gestured for him to come closer. With a little hesitation, Agus walked closer and stood beside Indah.

Indah’s mother took Agus's hand and joined it with Indah's, “I just have one more request before leaving”

“Mother …” Indah sobbed, “please don't talk like that.”

“Indah, you are my only child, I just want to see you happy and I believe that Agus is the right man to make you happy. I can only leave in peace after you two get married.”

Indah looked down, only tears could represent her feelings at that time.

 

Only a few days later, Indah and Agus' wedding was held with minimal preparation. Only a few close relatives and friends were invited. One thing that Indah never expected, Raka was present at her sacred event. The man looked very tough. His face was as handsome as Indah remembered, and his smile, the smile that had stolen her heart four years before, was still as sweet as ever. 

Raka shook her hand, “Congratulations on your new life.” he said, as they had been just friends, as four years of their togetherness had never existed. In that instant, Indah felt like hugging that man, how she missed his warm embrace, a hug that could make her feel safe, peaceful … and happy. But she knew, no other happiness was more important than her mother’s. She turned sideways towards her mother who was in a wheelchair. Her mother smiled, very sweetly, before finally breathing her last.